Here's why emotional intelligence will make you a better CSM

This article is based on the insights shared by Jenelle during her appearance on the CS School podcast.

Let's talk about something that's been a game-changer for me: emotional intelligence, commonly called “EQ.”

We've all heard about empathy in customer success, right? But EQ? That's something that needs to be discussed more, and I believe it's absolutely crucial in our field. As businesses shift toward hybrid models and relationship-driven strategies, leaders can no longer rely solely on traditional sales tactics.

With 13 years of CS experience under my belt, I've witnessed firsthand the transformative power of EQ. My journey from executive-level support, managing multi-million dollar contracts, to now being a VP of Customer Success wasn't just about technical skills – it was about harnessing the power of emotional intelligence to build and maintain exceptional business relationships.

In this article, I’ll dive into the strategies I’ve developed to cultivate emotional intelligence within teams, build authentic relationships, and create a customer-centric culture that thrives in today’s market. It'll cover:

The reason why EQ is so important
The importance of EQ in customer success
Training and development for emotional intelligence
The shift from sales-led to customer-centric business models
Challenges in implementing EQ in leadership
Practical strategies for improving EQ
Encouraging a long-term approach to EQ

The importance of emotional intelligence

Before we begin, you’re probably wondering why I’m so passionate about this. The reason is simple: I've seen firsthand how transformative EQ can be. It changed my life, both professionally and personally.

When I discovered emotional intelligence, it was like a light bulb went off. I realized that many of the challenges I'd faced in my career stemmed from a lack of self-awareness and emotional management.

By investing in my own EQ development, I've been able to build stronger relationships, navigate difficult conversations more effectively, and ultimately drive better results for my customers and my organization.

What does being emotionally intelligent mean?

Emotional intelligence is built on four pillars:

Self-awareness
Self-management
Social awareness
Relationship management

The first two points are about you, while the latter two focus on others. It's a comprehensive approach to understanding and managing emotions – both your own and those of the people around you.

How does emotional intelligence impact customer success?

Our job is all about relationships. We're not just managing accounts; we're managing people, their expectations, their frustrations, and their successes. In a world that's increasingly digital, the human touch becomes even more critical. As I often say, "You can't replace the human spirit in business."

Mastering the foundation of EQ: Self-awareness

So, why is self-awareness so crucial? It's the foundation of emotional intelligence – the front door, if you will. Without self-awareness, you can't effectively manage yourself, let alone be socially aware or manage relationships with others.

But what does self-awareness really mean in the context of customer success?

It's not just about knowing when to smile more or adjusting your tone. It's about understanding who you are at your core. Why do you do what you do? Why do you think the way you think? What are your emotional triggers, and where do they come from?

This level of introspection can be challenging, but it's incredibly rewarding. When you truly understand yourself, you develop a sense of self-confidence and conviction that shines through in your interactions with customers and colleagues alike.

Empathy vs. emotional intelligence in relationships

People often confuse empathy with emotional intelligence, thinking they can check off a box by simply saying, "I understand you." But true emotional intelligence involves much more.

Empathy is part of it, yes, but it needs to come from a place of genuine self-confidence and self-awareness.

When someone lacks that confidence, it can seep into relationships and work interactions, causing friction because they’re not equipped to deal with difficult situations.

Why we must teach relationship skills

In the professional world, we train people to sell products, develop technology, or create marketing campaigns. Yet, in customer success, we're essentially relationship managers, and we don't actively teach people how to build and maintain great relationships.

It’s assumed that those with "people skills" will naturally know how to do this, but that’s not always true. Building trusting relationships is a learned skill, and we need to equip people with the tools to manage difficult conversations, remain calm under pressure, and connect with others on a deeper level.

One challenge today is the heavy reliance on technology. Many young professionals are coming out of college without the interpersonal skills needed to succeed in the workplace because so much of their communication has been digital.

Relationship-building skills aren’t inherent—they must be developed. Yet, society constantly tells us we aren’t enough—not pretty enough, successful enough, or rich enough—and that erodes our sense of self.

The truth is, everyone has unique strengths and passions, and those are the very things that can ignite amazing relationships. When we embrace who we are and project confidence in our abilities, we can connect more authentically with others.

Becoming more self-aware in the workplace

Self-awareness isn’t something you can magically develop overnight. It’s an ongoing practice of asking yourself tough questions.

In a role like customer success, where you're juggling clients, different teams, and personalities, it’s even more crucial. CSMs work across an organization, interfacing with marketing, sales, tech, and more. Each group communicates in its own way, and as a CSM, you have to adapt while managing these dynamics.

Self-awareness is recognizing those emotional triggers. It’s about pausing and asking, "Why do I feel this way?" or "Where does this emotion come from?" It’s not about dismissing the feeling, but understanding its origin. This applies equally in the workplace when dealing with challenging personalities or stressful situations.

You have to pause and reflect on why you’re feeling a certain way and how it’s impacting your work and relationships.

Conquering imposter syndrome and negative self-talk

Imposter syndrome and insecurity are pervasive issues, especially in professional settings. That little voice in your head telling you, "You’re not good enough" or "You can’t do this," is something most of us carry. It becomes the default voice, but self-awareness gives us the ability to question that voice. It allows us to say, "That’s not true. I am capable."

One exercise I encourage people to try is writing an "I am" statement. This is a one-page document that lists who you are, independent of your job or your relationships. For example:

"I am resilient, brave, kind, loyal, and passionate."
"I am comfortable being uncomfortable."
"I need 30 minutes of quiet each day."

These statements are core to who you are, and they don’t change based on your circumstances.

When people struggle with self-awareness, it often stems from not being able to answer the simple question: "Who are you?" Self-awareness is the ability to confidently answer that question and know what’s true about yourself, regardless of external influences.

Real-world application of EQ in customer success

Let me share a real-world example of how EQ can transform customer relationships. I once inherited a customer who, I was warned, "hates everyone." I thought, “Challenge accepted!” When I met him, he was skeptical, saying no one had used his time well before.

Instead of getting defensive or trying to prove myself immediately, I took a different approach. I involved him in conversations, kept him in the loop, and when we had a workshop at his site, I sensed tension. So, I asked him directly, "Can you help me understand where you're coming from? I feel tension, and I'm trying to work out where that's coming from."

His response? He revealed that his job was on the line if we didn't have a successful product launch. He was amazed that I'd asked the question, saying no one had ever done that before. By applying emotional intelligence – specifically social awareness and relationship management – I was able to uncover the root cause of his behavior and address his real concerns.

This customer not only became more open with me but ended up becoming a referral and even wrote a letter of recommendation for my graduate degree application. That's the power of EQ in action.

Caring about your customers beyond the sale

Genuinely caring about people, whether they’re customers or colleagues, transforms relationships. Some might say I care too much, but I believe that when you show genuine concern for someone, it changes the dynamic.

People recognize when you're invested in their success, and that recognition fosters trust and opens doors to deeper, more meaningful relationships.

For instance, I once inherited a customer who had been struggling for years with our product. Despite our efforts, we realized we couldn’t deliver what they needed because of how their systems were set up. Instead of forcing the relationship to continue and risking further failure, I helped them transition to a competitor’s product.

While it was technically a loss for us, it was the right thing to do for the customer. They needed a solution that worked for them, and I ensured they had a smooth transition. That decision preserved our reputation, and the customer left with positive feelings about our company rather than frustration or resentment.

Training and development for emotional intelligence

Now, you might be thinking, "This sounds great, Janelle, but how do we develop these skills?" That's where training and development come in. Unfortunately, while we train salespeople to sell and engineers to build, we often assume that relationship skills come naturally.

They don't.

We need to invest in EQ training for our customer success teams. This means teaching skills like active listening, identifying emotional triggers, diffusing tense situations, and building genuine connections. It's about creating a toolkit for our teams to navigate the complex emotional landscape of customer relationships.

For leaders, this might mean bringing in external trainers, investing in courses, or even just creating space for open discussions about emotional intelligence within your team.

The shift from sales-led to customer-centric models

Here's something I've noticed in my 13 years working in customer success: we're in the midst of a seismic shift. The old sales-led tactics are becoming less effective, and we're moving towards a more customer-centric model. And guess what? EQ is at the heart of this transition.

In many organizations, 60-70% of revenue comes from renewals, upgrades, and referrals. Yet, we're still throwing most of our weight behind net new logos and sales teams. Don't get me wrong – new business is important. But if we're not viewing our customer success teams as revenue generators, we're missing a huge opportunity.

My approach has always been more customer-centered. I’m not driven by money but by the experience I can provide to customers. When you prioritize relationships and genuinely care about the customer’s success, it leads to better outcomes for everyone.

Not every leader thinks this way, but I believe that as businesses evolve, there needs to be a shift in how we view success. Instead of focusing solely on sales numbers, we should be looking at the long-term value and relationships we’re building through customer success.

This is where emotional intelligence comes in. By developing our own emotional intelligence, we can create more meaningful relationships with our customers. We can anticipate their needs, navigate challenges more effectively, and ultimately drive more value for both the customer and our organization.

When I talk about having a customer-centric mindset, it must come from the top. If leadership doesn’t prioritize training in EQ, if they don’t value developing their team’s soft skills, then they’ll continue to struggle. It’s not enough to push for more customers if your team isn’t equipped to handle them.

A company can grow quickly, but if the team behind that growth isn’t solid, it will crumble under the pressure.

Challenges in implementing EQ in leadership

Now, I'll be honest – implementing EQ at a leadership level isn't always easy. I've seen many leaders struggle with this concept, especially those who are used to the old "it's not personal, it's business" mentality.

But here's the truth: it is personal because emotions are personal. There's never an instance where you can work emotion-free. Our emotions drive most of what we do. As leaders, we need to be comfortable with allowing our teams to have emotions, to become emotional, and to have personal things happen.

Emotional intelligence leads to better business outcomes

CEOs care about retention—they don’t want high employee turnover. Employees who feel supported and understood are more likely to stay, perform better, and contribute to a positive company culture.

So, fostering emotional intelligence within teams is in a company’s best interest, not just from a human perspective, but from a business standpoint as well.

I've mentored many people who have shared stories of toxic work environments where leadership allows or even participates in gossip, where emotions are seen as weakness. This kind of behavior at a leadership level creates a toxic working environment that stifles growth and innovation.

The challenge is to shift this mindset. It requires vulnerability, accountability, and a willingness to change. It means being open to feedback, even when it's uncomfortable. But trust me, the results are worth it.

Practical strategies for improving EQ

So, how can we actually improve our emotional intelligence? Here are a few practical strategies I've found helpful:

Practice self-reflection: Regularly ask yourself, "Why do I feel this way?" or "What's driving my behavior right now?"
Create an "I am" statement: This is a one-page document listing who you are at your core. For example, "I'm resilient, I'm brave, I'm kind..."
Practice active listening: In conversations, focus on truly understanding the other person rather than just waiting for your turn to speak.
Develop empathy: Try to put yourself in others' shoes, especially when dealing with difficult customers or colleagues.
Manage your emotions: Learn to recognize your emotional triggers and develop strategies to respond rather than react.
Seek feedback: Ask trusted colleagues or mentors for honest feedback about your interactions and emotional responses.

Remember, improving your EQ is a journey, not a destination. It's about continuous growth and learning.

Encouraging a long-term approach to EQ

As we wrap up, I want to emphasize that developing emotional intelligence is not a quick fix or a one-time training session. It's a lifelong journey of growth and self-discovery. There will be ups and downs, moments of clarity and moments of confusion. And that's okay.

The key is to approach it with patience and persistence. Start small - maybe by practicing one new EQ skill each week. Celebrate your successes, learn from your missteps, and keep pushing forward.

But on your EQ journey remember this: emotional intelligence isn't about perfection. We all have days where our emotions get the better of us. The goal is progress, not perfection. As you develop your EQ, you'll find that you're better equipped to handle challenges, build stronger relationships, and drive success in your customer success role.

EQ in your personal life and work

Since embracing emotional intelligence, I’ve seen relationships in my life completely transformed. By stepping back and critically assessing why I react a certain way to people or situations, I realized that often, I was the problem.

That realization came with a lot of humility and embarrassment, but it was necessary for growth. EQ requires us to dig deep, to ask ourselves uncomfortable questions, and to face the root causes of our behaviors. It’s not easy, but it’s transformative.

If you feel embarrassed or ashamed of how you've behaved, that’s a good sign – it means you’re ready for change. Emotional intelligence is truly life-changing, and I’m passionate about helping others unlock their own potential through it. It’s a superpower that can transform your life and relationships, allowing you to live your best life.

My journey with emotional intelligence has been a game-changer, and I’m living my best life because of it. I’m dedicated to sharing this with others, helping them find their own path to emotional intelligence and personal growth.

It’s not a secret I want to keep to myself—it’s something I believe everyone can benefit from, both personally and professionally.

Conclusion

Being emotionally intelligent is no longer a nice-to-have – it's a must-have. As we navigate the shift towards more customer-centric models, EQ will be the differentiator that sets exceptional customer success professionals apart.

So, I challenge you: invest in your emotional intelligence. Seek out training opportunities, practice self-reflection, and encourage your organizations to prioritize EQ development. The rewards - both personal and professional – are immeasurable.

At its core, customer success is about people. And understanding people - their emotions, their motivations, their fears and aspirations – is what emotional intelligence is all about. By developing our EQ, we're not just becoming better customer success professionals; we're becoming better colleagues, better leaders, and better human beings.

Learn more about EQ in customer success

I'm incredibly passionate about spreading the message of emotional intelligence in customer success. That's why I was thrilled to deliver a keynote on this topic at the Customer Success Festival in San Francisco.

In this keynote, l dived even deeper into the practical applications of EQ in customer success, shared more real-world examples, and provided strategies for implementing EQ at both an individual and organizational level.

You watch sessions like Jenelle’s IRL by attending a Customer Success Festival for yourself. Why not see where the Customer Success Festival world tour bus is heading for 2025?

See the agenda